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July 07, 2012

An Open Letter to Tom Cruise from Oprah's Sofa, er...Settee

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Oprah Couch and Tom Cruise

Dear Tom,

I'm so sad to hear the news that you and Katie Holmes are breaking up.  It feels like just yesterday when you stomped your pricey Brionis all over my buttery soft cushions. Never had a chance to tell you this before but that hurt!

I've cradled some major celebrity butts in my time but did you have to pop up and down like I was a trampoline!? That little stunt made me almost as famous as you and Oprah put together, and kept me from ending up on Ebay once "The Oprah Winfrey Show" was over, but my springs were sore for a week!

There you were whoopin' and hollerin' and acting like a love struck fool, grabbing onto Oprah and screaming that you were "in love."  You don't even want to know what Oprah had to say about your antics once you left.

The press called you crazy and me a yellow couch.  They were wrong on both counts.  You were just being, er...exuberant.  And me, I'm part of a saffron colored, sectional settee.  Get it right, Entertainment Tonight.

Tom cruise on oprah

Now Tommy, I get being in love.  I've been in love many times.

There was that forest green wing chair in Oprah's office that kept flashing his bare, muscular arms at me. There was the office chair with those shiny, smooth, fiberglass wheels. I knew he was a player, but couldn't help myself. Then there was that fling I had with a Favorite Things end table.  He turned out to be one of my favorite things.

But love can be fleeting.  Especially if it's played out in front of the paparazzi.

If Oprah weren't so busy trying to build her TV network and all around saving the world, I'm sure she'd contact you with some advice, but since I've been witness to plenty of wise words over the years, I thought I'd toss you a few.

Word on the street is your Scientology religion might have been what pushed Katie out the door.  Or maybe the separations were too long. Or maybe you've had one too many disappointing movie openings lately. 

Katie seems like a nice girl, but some are saying she blindsided you.  Others are saying you deserved it because you blindsided wife #2, Nicole Kidman all those years ago, what with renewing your wedding vows one month and filing for divorce the next.

And still others are saying it's payback for publicly calling Katie "the greatest woman you've ever known" when, hello Tommy!  Nicole is the mother of two of your kids. 

But ever since that day in 2005, I've had a soft spot in my cushions for you, Tommy.  No, really.

So here's what you need to do:  take some time to feel the pain and understand your own truth. Maybe start a gratitude journal to help you through the rough spots.  Always live in the moment so you can live your best life, and remember, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and only then on your children.

When you're ready to hit the dating scene again, resist the urge to go after another starlet.   Face it, Tommy, they're not for you.  Instead, check out some of the ladies already in your church.  They love L. Ron as much as you do, so what's to be bad?

Tom cruise oprah

Finally Tom, you and I share a history.  A history as intimate as you and any of your three wives.  After all, once you've cradled somebody's butt for an hour or so, how much more intimate can you get than that? 

So we may see each other again soon.  Word is Oprah may put me back to work on that Steadman talk show she's shopping around.

Shhhh!  Don't tell anybody I told you that. 

If you need help before then, don't forget, I've got Oprah, Dr. Phil, Gayle and even Dr. Oz on speed dial.   So take it easy, kiss Suri for me and if you're in Chicago, stop by the warehouse and sit for a while.

Cross Posted from BlogHer

Images courtesy Harpo Productions

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