"Desperate Housewives" Recap: You Can't Judge A Book By Its Cover (11/11/07)
"D" is for "Desperate Housewives" and tonight "D" is also for "deception."
Mary Alice tells us, "Victor Lang was not above using deception to get what he wanted." From donors, constituents or the press.
Yo Mary Alice. He is a politician after all.
But now because of Edie's pictures, Victor knows Gabby is good at deception too.
Gabby comes home and immediately gets a call from Carlos. He wants to know if they're really through. Gabby's like, considering you hid that $10 million from me, yeah, I'll stay with the deceptive politician, thank you very much. My favorite line? Carlos calls Victor a "chicken-lipped albino." Heh.
Gabby ditches Carlos's call because Victor comes into the room. She says she was talking to Bree but as soon as Gabby leaves the room he checks and knows she was talking to Carlos.
He asks Gabby to go with him out on his boat for a delayed honeymoon. Just the two of them. Uh oh.
Gabby, being the greedy little thing she is loves the idea.
But it's a mistake because as Mary Alice tells us, "What Victor Lang now wanted, was revenge."
Opening credits.
Back at Wisteria Lane, deception is rampant. Bree is visiting the Scavos, showing off her grandson...er, I mean her son, Benjamin Tyson Hodge to all the assembled wives. The kid's putting his new little lungs to good use as all the wives wince and say how adorable he is.
Lynette tells everyone she's cancer-free and right in the middle of this happy scene, Mama Stella comes downstairs with Stan, a one night stand who's sporting Tom's robe. Everyone's understandably skieved out.
Over at the Mayer/Delfino household Mike's exhausted and wants to sleep but Susan insists they keep their dinner engagement at Bree and Orson's. Resigned, Mike pops a pill.
Over dinner, the conversation turns to pre-school tuition. Would you believe $10,000 a year? Mike nearly swallows his tongue. He's like, for some "used Legos and a potty chair?"
Bree points out if Susan and Mike want to get Baby Delfino into Bonny Briar---love that name---they'd better apply while the baby's still in the womb. She then reminds Orson they're invited to a Bris. Orson makes it plain he has no intention of going to a ceremony to watch a child get "mutilated." We understand why when he explains he was circumcised at five...ouch....when his mother secretly had it done while his disapproving father was out of town. So, in spite of Bree's wish to have the baby circumcised as well, no way, no how is Orson allowing Little Ben to get cut.
After dinner Bree catches Mike popping a pill in the kitchen. He tells her it's aspirin for his bad shoulder from when Orson ran him down in the street and left him to die. Of course he doesn't say that last part because he doesn't know it was Orson who ran him down in the street and left him to die, but you get the gist. After Mike leaves, Bree finds a pill on the floor and picks it up. It sure don't look like aspirin.
At the dock of the Lang Titanic, Gabby and the Chicken Lipped Albino are ready for their "honeymoon cruise" of death. When Victor tells Gabby he let the crew go so they can have the boat all to themselves she asks,"Who's gonna bring us umbrella drinks and salute us when we walk by?" Gotta love that Gabby.
She reminisces about how boring it was the time the captain gave her a two hour lesson on operating the boat. Victor promises her "this trip will be anything but boring." Deadly, but not boring. Think "Dead Calm" except this time the husband's the psycho killer. By the way if you've never seen "Dead Calm," rent it. It's a fabulous thriller and the movie that launched Nicole Kidman's career.
Anyway, at the Scavo house, Lynette tells Mama Stella she's gotta go. She tries to make it sound like it's something good for Stella but Stella's no fool. She knows Stan was the last straw and she promises next time to "do it in the car."
Then she drops the bomb that she gave all her savings to Tom and Lynette to help them start their restaurant. And neither of Lynette's sisters will have her. Smart women.
Cut to Julie and Susan. She and Dylan need help with a school genealogy project. Does Susan know anything about Dylan's Dad? Susan confides to Julie what Kat implied about the Dad's abusive behavior and suggests Julie try and convince Dylan to research someone else. Dylan overhears the conversation.
Bree checks Mike's mystery pill and finds out it's a highly addictive, non-aspirin pain killer. She calls Susan. Cut to Susan confronting Mike about what Bree said about the pill. Considering he's an ex-junkie and all Susan's worried, but Mike smoothly lies his way out of it and Susan's once again blissfully ignorant.
Bree goes to the local hospital with Little Ben and she's on the hunt for a circumcision. She sees a doctor, but he has a registered letter from Orson prohibiting him or any other doctor in a two state radius from performing a circumcision on Little Ben. Cut to Bree confronting Orson. How dare he not trust her?
Well, seems he was right. He knows her well enough to know what she'd try to do and he wanted to make she didn't mutilate their child. Bree insists an uncut penis is unsightly, but Orson's like, a cut one diminishes sexual pleasure. Well just for that Bree implies Orson won't be getting any sexual pleasure.
Dylan's looking up Monster Daddy on her laptop when Kat comes home and discovers her. When Kat hits the roof, Dylan's says if it's okay for Kat to talk about Monster Daddy at a neighborhood game night, it should be all right for her to Google his ass for a class project.
Kat tries to pull rank but Dylan gets all up in her face and says she ain't afraid of big bad Mommy no more. Kat can't stop her and if she tries, she'll run away. So there.
Susan passes along Mike's lie about the pills to Bree. Bree ain't having it. She's an ex-alchie and she shows Susan where she used to stash her booze when she was telling everyone she'd stopped drinking. Susan still thinks Bree's wrong, but Bree gives her the mantra of the Republican party courtesy of Ronald Reagan about the cold war Soviets, "Trust but verify."
Great touch by the writers, Bree quoting the God of the Republicans.
She was also right because when Susan goes home and does a hard target search, she finds Mike's stash in a flashlight. She and I are both disappointed.
Lynette's having lunch with Mama Stella and Sister Lydia. The first thing Mama Stella wants to know is if Sister Lydia is seeing anybody. When she gets a no, Mama Stella's like your life is a waste of space if you're not with somebody, so get cracking. She then goes to check the scores at the bar.
Left to their own devices it's war between the sisters over who'll get stuck with Mama. Sister Lydia uses the help of cue cards from her therapist to make sure she's not the one who gets stuck again.
"I will not be emotionally blackmailed," she spouts.
Lynette pulls out all the persuasive stops but Sister Lydia had Mama Stella for two years and they were the worst two years of her life. When Mama Stella comes back to criticize Sister Lydia some more, Lynette excuses herself, goes outside and transfers all Mama's bags to Sister Lydia's car and drives off. If I were Sister Lydia, when I found Lynette I'd kick her ass.
Cut to Carlos at Edie's. He's there to pick up a picture. When he discovers she destroyed it and that she told Victor about he and Gabby, he realizes that friendly breakup he was hoping for ain't gonna happen.
Carlos calls to tell Gabby Victor knows everything. Gabby refuses to believe there's a problem, Victor's been so nice and attentive. Carlos repeats what Edie said about Victor being outraged when he found out about them and Gabby starts to believe Victor may be about to do her in.
Victor catches Gabby on the cell phone and keeps it. Gabby follows Victor outside where he's slicing bread with a very sharp knife. She tries to convince him to go back to shore since she's...cold, that's right, she's cold. Really Gabby, that was lame.
Victor tells her he knows everything and he then complains about her whining. Now really scared, Gabby's sure he's about to kill her any minute. Victor puts down the knife and reaches into a gym bag. Gabby, sure that he's going to pull out a gun and plug her one, slams him upside the head with an oar and knocks him overboard.
As she she pilots the boat away from him, he yells for her to come back. Hence the reference earlier about the two hour lesson the captain gave Gabby.
Dylan comes downstairs to find Kat looking sadly at a folded piece of paper. When she asks what it is, Kat tells her it's everything she ever knew about her father. Date of birth, former addresses, etc. Dylan can contact him, but she must promise not to tell him where Kat is. See, the last time Kat saw him was the night she was leaving him and he beat her to a bloody pulp.
The only thing Kat could think of at the time is what would happen to Dylan if she died. She has no reason to believe he wouldn't do it again.
So go if you must, Deceitful Daughter, talk to dear old Monster Daddy, bond with him if you must, but please leave my name and address out of it so I can live my life in safety and peace.
God, this woman's good.
Dylan crumples into a ball of weepy guilt and asks Kat to call her teacher so she can deep six the genealogy assignment. She'll obviously will never bring up the subject of Monster Daddy again.
Kat thanks her in mock relief and as Dylan goes back upstairs, we get a shot of the paper in Kat's hand. Its blank. God, this woman's real good.
Lynette's cleaning the treehouse when Sister Lucy shows up with Sister Lydia, Mama Stella in tow. Sister Lucy throws Mama's bags from the car when Lynette confronts her. They all go inside to talk while Mama waits by the car.
Bree sneaks out of the house early one morning with the baby and goes to Debra's Bris. After Debra's baby is done Bree asks the Rabbi to do an impromptu Bris for Little Ben too. After introducing herself as Bree Hodge, born Rabinowitz, she spins a yarn about how she's Jewish and her hubby, the "goy" Orson won't let her do it. She's know it's "tacky" to piggyback on Debra's Bris but Little Ben is eight days old and Grandma Sidel would never forgive her if she didn't get it done. The Rabbi wants to make sure Bree knows the ceremony means she's committing to raising Little Ben as a devout Jew. Bree promises he'll be as "devout a Jew as I am." Hee
The deed done, Bree comes home and tells Orson. "It's just a little unsightly foreskin, he'll never miss it."
Orson hits the roof. "Why not cut off his testicles, you obviously have no problem going after mine." Good one Orson.
Bree pulls the "it's my blood running in his veins, so it's my decision" card. That was cold, even for Bree.
Orson agrees. After all, didn't he go through the whole deception about the pregnancy? He demands to know if she plans on treating him like Little Ben's real father.
Bree's upset that Orson's upset but you can tell she's happy she got her way. She takes the baby and gives him to Orson. "Your son would like you to hold him." By the way, "his Hebrew name is Simka. I'll explain later."
Gabby's back on shore and Carlos meets her at the dock. She tells him what happened and he wants to call the police and show them the gun. Gabby and he go to check the bag Victor was reaching into and Carlos pulls out a sweater. There was no gun. Carlos wants to call the coast guard but Gabby insists she and Carols go back and get him.
The sisters are fighting over who'll get Mama Stella. Sister Lydia has no problem with Mama Stella ending up on the street. All those awful memories of a drunken Mama Stella make Sister Lydia and Sister Lucy especially hard hearted.
Lynette pushes the "she's our mother " card, but the sisters don't feel any guilt. Lynette says it's like they're saying they don't care about her.
Sister Lucy says, "If you care so much, then the answer to the problem is sort of obvious isn't it?"
Lynette then mounts her always waiting high horse and says the sisters don't have to be involved at all. She'll take Mama Stella in. And by the way, don't bother to visit or send money because now she hates them.
See, once again, this is the sanctimonious Lynette, I can't stand. The one who's always trying to show Tom how much better she is than him. After all this is the same woman who secretly transferred Mama Stella's bags from her car to Sister Lydia's. Not to mention, they did have a crappy childhood because of Mama Stella's drinking and to insist that the sisters now have to treat her in a loving way is ridiculous. It's not like Mama's is in a wheelchair. Lynette's "She's our mother, the woman who bore us, the woman who carried us for nine months" crap makes me want to gag. It's understandable they don't care and if Lynette thought about anyone but herself for five seconds, she'd see that.
Lucy was right. If Lynette cares so much, where's the discussion?
Parker takes that moment to tell them he just saw Mama Stella taking a powder. Sure enough when the sisters go to look, she pulls off in a taxi.
Carlos and Gabby are on the high seas looking for the White Lipped Albino. They find him and fish him out. Victor says he was just trying to talk to Gabby and see if they could save their marriage. He's wet and pissed, but not murderous. That is until Carlos starts to gloat about saving his life and questioning his toughness. Victor attacks Carlos and reaches for the knife. Gabby then hits him for a second time with an oar and knocks him overboard. Except this time, he doesn't bob to the surface. Carlos and Gabby yell out his name but he's gone.
Cut to Gabby and Carlos back on the dock and it's after dark. They were searching for Victor for six hours and couldn't find him. They think they've killed him, and they're worried they can't prove it was in self defense. Gabby says since no one knew she was with Victor on the boat, she'll tell people Victor went off on the boat by himself. To make that story work, they have to send the boat back out to sea.
Susan's waiting for Mike with his stash of pills when he walks in the door. He says he can explain. She says he's a drug addict and a liar. And then she does that "Susan thing" where everything's all about her. Does he hate living with her so much that he has to take pills to numb the pain?
Mike says no, he just didn't want her to feel guilty. He says he wrenched his shoulder when he put in the hot water heater for McCluskey and that was the day they found out Susan was pregnant. The doctor said to stop working but he couldn't because he has to pay for car seats and strollers and $10,000 preschools. All the other stuff the Jones's, or rather the Hodges are going to have.
Susan says the baby doesn't need stuff but he does need a non-addict Dad. Mike says, yeah you say that now, but "I want to be able to give him the advantages I never got." He doesn't want him to be a plumber. Yo Mike, being a plumber ain't that bad.
Susan wants to believe what Mike says about the pills but even she knows addicts are good at lying. So Mike takes the pills and dumps them down the kitchen sink drain. Susan believes him and all is right with the Mike and Susan world, except....hey, Susan, ya dunce...he's a plumber!
Mary Alice tells us, "Deception. You find it in all the best homes. Parents rely on it when dealing with inquisitive children." That's Kat and Dylan.
"Women use it to help keep secrets big and small." That's Bree deep sixing the pregnancy belly for good.
"Lovers need it to cover up inconvenient accidents." That's Gabby and Carlos watching Victor's boat sail back out to sea. By the way...How!? By itself? Or did they pay someone to motor it back out there?
"Why do people resort to deception? Because it's a handy tool, that helps get us exactly what we're looking for." That's Mike taking out a wrench from his plumber's tool box and going to work on the pipe under the kitchen sink.
