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October 24, 2007

"Desperate Housewives" Recap: If There's Anything I Can't Stand (10/21/07)

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01All kinds of pests are featured in this episode.  And man, they cause all kinds of problems.

Remember how I said last week I was liking Susan Mayer a lot more this season?  Well this week was the return of Stupid Susan, the one I don't like.  Also this week, Queen Bree was exposed by ex-mother-in-law Van De Camp (Shirley Knight).  Gabby, Carlos, Edie and Victor all shared something they wish they didn't.  Two of them know about it, two of them don't.  And we're treated to the funniest "putting two and two" together moment I've seen in a long time.

We begin when Kat's aunt, Lillian Sims returns to Wisteria Lane in an ambulance, on a stretcher.  As Mary Alice tells us, many thoughts run through an old woman's head when she comes home to die.  Like, if she'll see her husband in heaven.  Once Lil's settled in, Kat is all smiles and the solicitous niece as she hands Lil a little silver bell to call her whenever she needs anything.   

Lil's like, that's okay 'cause I'm not gonna be around much longer.  In a morbid curiosity moment, Kat asks her what it feels like to be dying. Well you reflect on the good stuff and regret that stuff we shouldn't have covered up, that happened in this room, that has to do with Dylan.  Kat doesn't like that at all and in effect tells Lil to keep her mouth shut.

All of a sudden, the adoring niece is not so solicitous.  She also starts thinking maybe the old broad should be going sooner than later.

Opening credits

Bob Hunter (Tuc Watkins) disliked living in the city.  City pests like rats, roaches and flies are why he comes home one day and announces to his partner Lee (Kevin Rahm) they're moving to the suburbs.  These two are the new Wisteria Lane gay neighbors we've all been waiting for.

As Mary Alice tells us, "They moved to suburbia which they quickly discovered had a few pests..." Susan runs up as they're moving in and yells, 'Hey neighbor!'  "...of its own."

Lee's outside when Susan comes over and introduces herself.  She starts putting her foot in her mouth almost immediately telling Lee that he and his wife have great taste.  Bob joins them and explains that he and Lee are partners.  Susan thinks that means business partners and when Bob explains they're life partners, Susan finally gets it.

"Ohhh. Oh that's super!  I've seen a lot of cable, so I get it!  You're just great!"

See this to me was a normal moment of Susan being surprised and flustered.  Yeah, her surprise and "approval" is a bit over the top, but I'll give her that.

But Lee gets testy. "Thank you?? I hope we can live up to your stereotype."  Hee.

When Bob mentions Rafael, Susan's even more surprised and says something about it being cozy with three of them.  Lee makes a crack about them being gay Mormons.  Well it turns out Rafael is their pit bull sized dog.

Susan fumbles conversationally even more about gay people having kids and how times have changed and now "you're allowed."  She finally smartens up and decides to get out of there.

Bob tries to be nice, saying, "Stop by anytime."  But Lee shushes him.

Wisteria Lane is now sexually integrated.

At the Van De Camp house, there's a delivery for Danielle of a bright, red scooter from Phyllis, dead Rex's mother.  Queen Bree announces that of course Danielle can't have it, so Orson and especially Andrew are all over it.  "I'm not knocked up, let me have it," Andrew pleads.

No, no.  That wouldn't do.  They're going to donate it to the church to raffle it off.  Andrew's bummed but Orson's like, we can donate it, but first let me try it out and make sure it's in working order.  Wink, wink.

Lynette is feeling good because it's been a week since her last chemo, and it's another month before the new round starts.  She's all, we can have sex now Tom, and Tom doesn't have to be told twice.  She says he can have it, A: romantic with candlelight and soft music or B: straight to the...Tom chooses B.

In the midst of getting it on, Tom strokes Lynette's hair and her wig moves, exposing her bald head.  Tom tries to put it back because the bald head is a real turnoff, but Lynette says there's a rip in it that makes it itch and she rips the whole thing off.  Tom gives it the good old college try, but he's no longer in it.  He tells Lynette maybe tomorrow and though she knows it's about the bald head, she agrees.

I gotta tell you, I don't blame Tom a bit.  Lynette does not look good bald.  As she was on top and kissing his chest, it looked like a bald man was about to ravish his nether regions and since Tom doesn't swing that way, it couldn't have been too sexy.   

Susan, Lynette and Gabby are trying to convince Bree to let them give her a baby shower.  Understandably, Bree is against it.  All those games like "measure Mommy's tummy" would not go over too well if someone accidentally touched Mommy's tummy.  The wives are having this discussion outside while Orson keeps riding back and forth on the red scooter.  He's doing all kinds of daredevil tricks, riding on his stomach with his legs straight out.  Heh.  When he crashes into a garbage can, Bree goes running over to check on him and Andrew uses the opportunity to talk to the wives about how they might throw Bree a party after all.

Susan's taking chocolate cookie bars out of the oven. Hmm, they look good.  It seems Mike bought them at the store and since anything Susan cooks should be condemned by the FDA, she warmed them up to take over to Bob and Lee.

When Mike protests she should leave them alone she says, "Mike they live 15 feet from us.  If we have a fire, I want be sure that they like us enough to call 911."  Of course she and Mike know the real reason is because she just can't stand to have someone not like her.  This is the Stupid Susan I was talking about.

At Chez Bob and Lee, Susan knocks.  Lee opens the door and Susan says the nice, warm cookie bars are a welcome to the neighborhood gift.

"Are there nuts in them?"  Lee asks.

Susan's puzzled and isn't sure what to say.  So she says she doesn't think so.

"Half a pecan could kill me."  Lee says.

Stupid Susan breaks it apart and looks in to see if there are nuts.

Lee's like, you made them, did you or did you not put nuts in them?  He says it with a hilarious expression on his face like he's talking to someone with the compression of a four year old.  And in effect, he kinda is.

Susan admits she's a crappy baker so...

"You bought them and heated them up to make your gesture seem more thoughtful than it was."  Well really Lee.  If you have to put it that way.

"Take your store bought, warmed up, possibly poisonous cookie bars and give them to someone more likely to survive your generosity."  The scene is very funny and in it, Susan is very stupid.

Lynette's with Gabby at the local wig store to get her wig stitched.  She's down because the "sales girl just walked away with my sex life."  She complains to Gabby that Tom shouldn't care if she's bald.  He's supposed to love her, body and soul.

See it's when she gets like this that I really dislike Lynette.  Even when she didn't have cancer, for Tom to get anything he needed from her, it was always like pulling teeth.  Hell lady, he's your husband.  And he's a pretty good one.  What's the big deal if you put on a little wig for him?  He has to deal with your sorry, annoying, complaining butt 24/7.  Girl, give the man a break!

Gabby agrees with me, but she's kinder about it.  She's like, "When was the last time you were in a bar and you heard a guy say, "Check out the soul on that one."  She advises Lynette to get a substitute wig because, "men like variety."  Picking up different wigs, Gabby suggests,"Tomorrow you are Helga the sexy milkmaid or Jeff the friendly guy from work."  Heh.  If Tom swung that way of course.

Edie's texting during her gyno exam and when Dr. Claude, "Hmmms" one too many times, she knows there's a problem.  He says, "the bullet she's managed to dodge all these years," has finally caught up with her.

Which one Edie asks?  "The clap?  The herp?  The syph?"  Love her nicknames for them!  She's says it so nonchalantly, almost like they were old friends. 

Turns out she has crabs which are more commonly known as pubic lice.   Ewwwwwwwww.

Edie gives Carlos the bad news when she gets home and gives him the remedy as well.  It's some shampoo that smells like burnt licorice and a lice comb.  And in three days, "the crotch carnival packs up and leaves town."  Carlos wants to know how she got it?  Come onnnn, Carlos.  This is Edie we're talking about.

No matter what my suspicions, Edie says she got it by using the tanning bed right after "that skank" Mimsie Porter.  Good thing they're in a committed relationship though.  Otherwise they'd have to "make that call of shame" to everyone they've been with.  Carlos looks sick.

He immediately finds Gabby watching a speech Victor's giving and breaks the bad news to her.  "Eww...how did you get those?"  She too is appalled, not only about the crabs but about the fact that he's still sleeping with Edie.

She's also worried Victor's going to wake up with "a zoo in his pants." Just as she says it, Victor grabs his crotch and scratches.

"We're screwed," Carlos says.  Gabby agrees.

Tom is filling out his fantasy football form when Lynette calls to him from upstairs.  The kids are asleep and she has a fantasy of her own.  Tom turns around to see on the stairs, Lynette in a very pretty, deep auburn wig and a black see-through nightie.  Lynette should wear this wig more often, it looks great on her.

"I'm Brandy the slutty cheerleader," Lynette says.  Football forgotten, Tom can't get upstairs fast enough. 

Meanwhile Gabby puts the crab shampoo in an unlabeled jar and goes to Victor as "Nurse Gabby," in a very cute, sexy nurse outfit.  She's going to relax him with her special "ointment."  She warms up the cream in her hands as if it were "personal lubricant," making the whole process very sexy.

"It's a blend of 36 essential oils, fennel and anise root," she tells him.

And even though it "smells like medicine" Victor's getting into it.  That is until it starts stinging.  And stinging some more.  Gabby reassures him, "We can rinse it off......in 3 to 5 minutes."  Heh.  "But before we do that," she takes out the comb.

"What the hell is that?"  Victor asks

"You know for a guy getting rubbed on by a hot nurse, you ask a lot of questions."  Gabby takes the comb and starts using it.  Really funny stuff!

Stupid Susan's on the phone with her gay Uncle Frank trying to convince him to help her make friends with Bob and Lee.  She's unsuccessful, but gets another idea when Julie walks in with Rafael.  Seems he wandered off so Susan's going to keep him for awhile so that she can be "the dog rescuing hero."  She puts him in the garage where she stores her open cans of yellow paint.

See what I'm talking about?  Stupid.  Even for Susan.

Bree and Orson come home, open their front door and walk right into Bree's surprise baby shower.  Except they allowed men to come.  Bree's just as thrilled as you might expect and she's even more touched when she finds out the idea of the surprise was Andrew's.  Since he helped with the invitations as well, one of the surprise guests is Phyllis, dead Rex's mother and she's just as annoying as ever.

Andrew whispers to a trapped Bree, "Bet you wouldn't mind if I broke my neck on that scooter now."

Kat's going out to the bank and Aunt Lil uses the opportunity to try to tell Dylan about why she doesn't remember she lived on Wisteria Lane.  She's just getting wound up when Kat comes back and interrupts.  As punishment for disobeying her, Kat takes Lil's bell.

Lynette and Tom are at the party and Lynette has her blond wig back.  Tom wants another encounter with Brandy, but Lynette says Penny played with Brandy's hair and ripped it to pieces, so he'll have to settle for Lynette.  "Brandy's history, Tom.  Let her go."

Susan sees Lee looking for Rafael and leaves the party to "help him look."  Lee's very grateful and Susan thinks she's on the road to likability.

At the party Phyllis is haranguing Bree about a bunch of things, but especially about taking down all the pictures of Rex.  She hates that his "face has banished from their own home."

When Phyllis gets on Bree's last nerve, Bree points out the party was a surprise and she didn't have anything to do with the guest list.  Hence, she didn't put Phyllis on it.  Phyllis is highly insulted and accuses Bree of keeping her away from her grandchildren.

They fight some more and Bree walks away in a huff.  Phyllis decides to leave, but first she asks Andrew where Bree keeps the sable coat Phyllis gave her.  She wants it back.  Andrew tells her it's in the upstairs closet.  When Bree sees her going upstairs, she and Andrew realize that was a mistake and Bree tries to stop her.

"I guess you won't be needing the breast pump I bought you."  That's Phyllis as she holds up the fake pregnancy bellies.  Bree's been busted!

Cut to a while later and Bree's told Phyllis the whole story.  Phyllis is happy she's going to be a great Grandma, but Bree warns she and Orson are raising the baby as their own.  Phyllis won't be allowed to "hover."  Phyllis is like, if I'm not allowed to hover, I'll just have to go downstairs right now and tell everyone the truth.

Bree explains how this child is her second chance and when Phyllis says Bree was too strict with her kids, they fight over who was the worse failure as a mother.  Phyllis storms downstairs, starts to announce the truth and then changes her mind and says she's leaving.  Bree thanks her, and Phyllis says, "You're not the only one who would like a second chance."

Stupid Susan is "looking for Rafael" with Lee, being all silly and falsely upbeat.  Lee is falling for it, appreciating how nice it was for Susan to leave the party and help him look.

Bob gets home and Susan goes inside her house to get them water.  After all, looking for dogs in the suburbs is thirsty business.

As Lee goes over to explain what's going on to Bob, Mike gets home and opens the garage to put the car in.  Out romps Rafael and you guessed it, he's got yellow paint all over his paws and jumps up on Bob's very sharp looking, tailored black suit.   Cue the comedy sound effect.  Wa, wa, waaaaaaa...

Mike looks in the garage, sees the spilled paint and Bob and Lee figure out Rafael was in Stupid Susan's garage the whole time.  Stupid Susan comes out with water.

"What?"  She's clueless.

At Bree's party Carlos asks Gabby, "Did you get a chance to napalm the jungle yet?" 

"All quiet on the southern front," she says.  I must say the writers had a real good time with this one.

Edie's standing next to Victor at the buffet table.  She comments on his interesting cologne because it smells familiar.  Victor says Edie gave it too him and it has essential oils.  He walks away and a waiter comes over with a tray of appetizers.

What are they?  Say it with me....crab cakes!  Believe me, the writers really had a ball with this one.

Anyway, Edie takes one and holds it in her hand with a napkin.  She watches as the waiter then goes to Carlos.  He takes one...or rather catches it.  The waiter goes to Gabby and she takes one...or rather catches it.  The waiter then goes to Victor and he too takes one...or rather catches it.   All of a sudden, Edie knows what's going on and she squishes her crab cake like a bug.

More sexcapades at the Scavo house.  Tom surprises Lynette with a long, black wig and says with a gleam in his eye, it's for "Brandy's even sluttier sister, Candy."  Lynette gets all self righteous and doesn't like that he needs her to pretend to be someone else.  "Am I not enough for you? "

This is when Tom lets her have it.  "Can you blame me for wanting to escape once in a while?"  He says, last night was fun because he got to make love to someone who wasn't sick.  After all, Ms. Self-Centered Lynette, all this cancer stuff affects him too and when was the last time you asked how he was doing?  Huh?   HUH?

After thinking a minute, Lynette agrees he's right.  She calls herself a "cancer bitch," and Tom doesn't disagree.  With a laugh Lynette figures she could give Candy a whirl.  And she might even be "a screamer."

Tom says that's not necessary.  Tonight they should just be Tom and Lynette and see what happens.  See, he's a good husband.

Mike comes back from checking on Bob's ruined suit.  It's evidently a $2000 Dolce & Gabbana and Stupid Susan and Mike are going to have to buy Bob a new one.  Mike is understandably pissed that's he's buying the most expensive suit he'll ever buy and he won't ever be able to wear it.  Then he's like, they don't like you, Susan.  Let it go.  I asked you to before.  So now, let it go.

He's going to bed cause he's got to work harder tomorrow to pay for that $2000 suit.

Danielle is at the convent when Grandma shows up to say she's taking her to Grandma's house.  Danielle's down with that and starts packing.

Lil is calling for Dylan and Kat closes her door so Dylan can't hear her.  Dylan sees Mom downstairs and wants to know what Lil was trying to tell her before, but Kat says Lil's losing it and "fading fast."  She doesn't know what she's saying.  So, go practice your cello for that recital in two weeks.

Upstairs, Lil is whimpering as Dylan practices her lovely cello piece.  She grabs a piece of paper and pen and writes a note to Dylan.  That's inter cut with Dylan playing the cello and Kat watching her.  Lil tries to put the note on the end table but it falls to the floor under the bed.  She's gone.  God, she didn't even last a whole episode!

Mary Alice tells us, "Pests.  They come in all shapes and sizes.  And disrupt our lives in a variety of ways.  At first they're merely annoying."  That's Susan waving at Lee as he comes home and he ignores her.   "But if we don't take them seriously, they can become quite dangerous."  That's Phyllis watching Danielle pack.

"For some death seems to be the easiest solution."  That's Lily getting bagged and tagged.   "But the problem with pests is that what they leave behind, is just as dangerous."  That's a closeup of the piece of paper hidden under the bed.

I must say, this show is percolating along very nicely this season.  It's been entertaining, it's been funny and it's kept my interest with the new mystery about Dylan.  Keep up the good work guys.


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