"Desperate Housewives" Recap: Now You Know (9/30/07)

Ah, Wisteria Lane.

In real life, the name evokes a neighborhood of joyous families.  Backyard bar-b-ques in the summer, snowman building in the winter, pumpkin carving in the fall and Easter egg hunts in the spring. Where neighbor takes care of neighbor and the good life can be had for the price of a lifetime mortgage and a triple digit car payment.

If you were to take this real neighborhood and put it on television, you'd have to add cheating spouses, out of control children, attempted murders, horrifying secrets and busy body old ladies.  Throw in narration by the last person to commit suicide on the block and you've entered the world of "Desperate Housewives."

I live in a real life Wisteria Lane, except I'm not desperate and I'm not housewife.  That's one of the reasons why I'm going to get a big kick out of recapping the fictional stories on Wisteria Lane for this 2007-2008 television season.  I hope you'll enjoy reading them as much as I'm going to enjoy writing them.  Let's get started with a review of where we left off last season.

Resident klutz Susan Mayer (Teri Hatcher) and plumber Mike Delfino (James Denton) got married in a surprise wedding ceremony.  Gabrielle Solis (Eva Longoria) had just married new mayor Victor Lang (John Slattery), but just kissed ex-husband Carlos (Ricardo Chavira).  Lynette Scavo (Felicity Huffman) and her husband Tom (Doug Savant) had just discovered that she has cancer and is facing chemo.  Her mother, Stella (Polly Bergen) then descended on the household to "help out."  Newlyweds Bree Van de Camp Hodge (Marcia Cross) and her husband Orson (Kyle MacLachlan) were pretending Bree was pregnant so they can take in the Danielle Van de Kamp's (Joy Lauren) out of wedlock child when the time comes.  And last but not least, Edie Britt (Nicollette Sheridan), depressed over the loss of Carlos was about to add another name to the list of suicides on Wisteria Lane.

Season four kicks off as always with the dulcet tones of Mary Alice Young (Brenda Strong), the woman who blew her brains out to kick off the plot of season one.  And as is only correct, we lead off this episode with the answer to the most urgent question of last season's cliffhanger.  Did Edie Britt live or die?

"Edie Britt never actually intended to die."  Mary Alice tells us.

We go on to learn that what we saw at the end of last season was Edie planning not a real suicide, but a fake one.  She leaves the note on the table downstairs, stands on a chair upstairs and slips a silk scarf noose around her neck.  Then she waits.  When she hears Carlos come home she kicks over the chair and expects him to rescue her any minute.  Big mistake.

Just as Carlos walks in the door, Mrs McCluskey (Kathryn Joosten), the former Mrs. Landingham of "West Wing"---when that show was good---drags him back outside to confront him about his delinquent garbage cans.  Edie, hearing him go out, realizes she's got a problem and tries desperately...I couldn't help it...to get loose.  Carlos finally sees her through the upstairs window, runs in the house and barely saves her.

But as Mary Alice tells us, "Had he known what she was about to do to his life.  He would have let her hang there."  Hee.  I'd say we're off to a fine start.

Opening credits.

Mary Alice tells us there's a certain time of night when "women lie awake and think of the secrets they're keeping from their friends."  I'm a woman and I've never done that but, whatever.

Over shots of an arriving ambulance, she goes on to say the only time they forget about those secrets is when something else comes up, like your neighbor sorta trying to kill herself.  We cut to the hospital as the housewives arrive, see Carlos and ask him what happened.   Lynette wonders if they should disturb Gabby on her wedding night to tell her about Edie.

At the mention of Gabby, Carlos bolts out of the hospital waiting room.  We understand why as we see Gabby locked in her honeymoon suite bathroom, fully dressed, suitcases packed, and waiting for Carlos to call so they can meet and run away together.

Victor's clueless about any of this, thinking he's in for a nice night of hot, newlywed sex.

We flashback to the wedding after Carlos and Gabby kiss.  He tells her he still loves her and doesn't want to lose her again.  In the middle of this happy reunion, Victor comes in and Carlos has to hid under the enormous skirt of Gabby's wedding dress. After Victor leaves Carlos pops out, bemused and a little too happy.  "Who doesn't wear underwear on their wedding day?"  Hee.  They agree to run away together after Carlos goes home to pick up some things and they seal the deal with a kiss.

Flash forward to Carlos on the phone with Gabby telling her about Edie. Gabby's like, oh that's too bad but when are you picking me up?  A guilty Carlos says he can't leave while Edie's on a ventilator.  Gabby's like, it's now or never buster.  Victor's waiting for a wedding night and if you don't come and get me, he's gonna get one.

Flash forward again and it's one month later.  Newlywed Susan gives Mike a one month anniversary card over the breakfast table.  Mike's like, I don't have nothin' for you 'cause I didn't think we were celebrating every thirty days.  Susan just wants to make sure Mike is happy, and though he says he is she doesn't believe him.   She asks if he has everything he wants?  He says he is "ecstatically happy."  Susan pauses for a worried moment then says, "This marriage is doomed."  That's the way to start off on a positive note.  They then notice a moving van's pulled up across the street.

At the Van de Kamp household---I refuse to call it the Hodge household---Bree wants son Andrew (Shawn Pyfrom) to help her strap on her fake pregnancy belly.  Andrew refuses saying he no longer wants to be part of the pregnancy charade.  After all, it's no longer the fifties and an out of wedlock pregnancy is nothing to be ashamed of.  Bree's like, if we all thought that way "we might as well sit on the porch and play banjos."  Gotta love that Bree.

Orson comes in and tells them there's a moving van next door.

Lynette and Tom are awakened by Parker banging on their locked bedroom door.  I don't know about you but I think the Scavo kids have mellowed.  There was a time a couple of seasons ago when Parker and those monster twins would have had that door off the hinges by now.  Anyway, Lynette won't open the door until she can find her wig.  She's bald as a billiard ball from the cancer treatments and she doesn't want anyone, including the kids, to know she's sick.  They find her wig and Tom helpfully straightens it on her head.  Parker's important announcement?  There's a moving van across the street.

Lynette's wig got me thinking.  When she's wearing the wig is that Felicity Huffman's real hair or is she wearing a wig that looks like her real hair over the bald cap?  Just something I was wondering about.

Meanwhile Victor's at Chez Solis with a real estate agent ready to sell, sell, sell.  Gabby's like, I told you I don't want to sell my house.  Victor's like, you're going to live with me in wedded bliss at my palatial estate.  What do you still need your house for?  Gabby doesn't say, in case I move back in with my ex-husband.  What she does say is, there's a moving van outside.

I like the symmetry of the moving van line ending the update on each wife.  Nicely done.

Cut to...the moving van.  In an age old suburban ritual, our four housewives check out the new neighbor furniture as it goes in the house.

Susan:  "I wish Edie were here.  Without her there's no one to give us the dish."

Bree:  "Yet another illustration of the fundamental selfishness of suicide."

Then a new neighbor car pulls up and who gets out but flaming redhead Katherine Mayfair (Dana Delany).  Susan recognizes her and runs across the street for hugs and kisses.

Cut to the housewives having lemonade at Katherine's house.  It seems Katherine used to live on Wisteria Lane and has moved back to be close to poor, elderly Aunt Lily.  In walks Katherine's hot, young doctor husband Adam (played by hot, young actor Nathan Fillian), lugging a box upstairs and promising to meet them properly when he's not so sweaty.  Honey, you can stay sweaty as long as you like!

Next, in walks Katherine's teenage daughter, Dylan (Lyndsey Fonseca).  Susan makes a big deal about how grown up Dylan is and how she and Julie used to be best friends when they were kids.  Dylan just smiles politely but doesn't seem to know who Julie is.

When Dylan leaves, Katherine says feels lucky to be back on Wisteria Lane and especially lucky to have such a great view of Bree's "breathtaking" garden.  Although that large pine tree in Bree's backyard is going to have to come down, because Katherine can't grow her prize winning vegetables with that tree blocking all the sun.

Bree's like, that pine blocks the view of Mr. Purcell sunbathing and there ain't no way I'm taking it down. There's nervous coughing and giggling all around as the others hope someone will change the subject.

Katherine then tables the topic, "We will not touch that tree until we come up with a solution to our problem.  Curtains perhaps."  Looks like Queen Bree has a challenger on the block.  Let the games begin.

When Susan suggests having a brunch to welcome Katherine back to the neighborhood, Katherine says, no need.  She's having a big bar-b-que for the whole neighborhood, especially all the "lovely newcomers."  That last part was said with a pointed glance at Lynette, Gabby and Bree.  Great stuff. 

This scene reminded me of a conversation I had with some new neighbors a few years ago.  I had a humongous tree in my backyard that shaded part of my new neighbor's yard.  When I met them, the first thing they said after "Hello" was, "When are you taking that tree down."  It seems the wife wanted a sunny backyard.

I was like, "How about when you cut off your legs?"  Okay, I didn't say that, I felt like it.  What I did say was how much I loved the tree and blah de blah, it makes it wonderfully cool in the summer and don't worry about the leaves in the fall, the gardeners will clean them up.

Those people were idiots. The tree was here before they moved in and if they wanted a sunny backyard they should have moved to a house with one.  Bottom line:  the tree is still there and the neighbors have long since gone.  Hang tough, Bree.

Cut to Orson and Bree at Macy's...plug plug plug.  Old lady, Mrs. McKeever approaches and in classic old lady fashion wants to touch Bree's belly.  Bree politely declines, but Mrs. McKeever insists, saying she just wants to give it a little jiggle.  Bree once again declines and when Mrs. McKeever reaches for her anyway, Bree grabs her wrist and twists until Mrs. McKeever yells in pain.  When security comes over they break it up, but not before Bree tells Mrs. McKeever to "back off."   When they're alone she asks Orson, "Why must old ladies always do that?"

Now, I've never been pregnant, but I can just imagine people doing that kind of stuff to pregnant women all the time.  Considering how obnoxious that is, I think Bree was actually somewhat restrained.

Susan's at her doctor's office for a checkup when she discovers she'll have to see a new doctor in the medical group.  In walks Dr. Mayfair, Katherine's husband and Susan's new neighbor.  And he's a gynecologist.  Susan's appalled but can't think of a way to keep her new neighbor from examining her nether regions.  Doc Mayfair however is just fine with it. 

As Adam starts the exam, he waits and then says calmly, "And relax." 

Susan, all tensed up:  "Sorry..."

Dr. Mayfair again:  "And relax..."

Susan still tensed up:  "Sorry, sorry."

Dr. Mayfair once again:  "And relax.......almost done."

He pops his head up long enough to say Katherine had spoken about Susan a lot in the past.   "It's so nice to finally put a face to the name."  And then he goes back in for another peek.

Lynette is at a class play of Parker's with Mama Stella when uber-parent Muriel guilts her into chairing some fund raising gala.  Even though she feels like crap, Lynette agrees.  Mama's like, you should have played the cancer card.  In fact you shouldn't even be here.  "But he's one of the leads," Lynette says.

Mama shoots back, "He's Friar Tuck.  It's a thankless role."

Back at the neighborly gyno examination Susan and Doc Mayfair are discussing her symptoms which he thinks indicate early menopause.  There's a test he can give her to find out.  Susan's like, no way, I'm too young for that.  And it's only then that she wants to check his diplomas.  She wants to make sure they're not from "some med school in the Philippines."  Evidently that line is about to cause an international incident with the Filipino government because they considered it a racial slur.

Back to Susan, she glances at one of Doc Mayfair's diplomas and says, "Now I don't know what kind of nonsense they taught you at...Harvard Medical School...class of 97?  Oh, my God.  I am old.  Just give me the damn test."

Meanwhile, Friar Tuck is doing his thing on stage and Lynette, needing to upchuck, uses someone's handbag as her own personal sickness bag.  Yuck!  She promises to buy her mother a new bag only to find out the bag belongs to Muriel.

At the Mayfair welcome bar-b-que, Katherine recognizes Mrs. McCloskey.  She starts yelling at her as if she can't hear.  "Do you remember me?"

Mrs. McCluskey responds, "You're Bess Truman, right.  Of course I remember you."   We find out from Mrs. McCluskey that Katherine and her first husband skipped out of town suddenly without saying goodbye to anyone.

Meanwhile Susan and Mike are checking out the food.  Mike looks at a platter and says seriously, "These eggs are past their prime."

Susan asks sadly, "So you just shun them and throw them away?" 

"Well yeah, since mayonnaise left out in the sun can kill you."

When some old ladies wave Susan over to their table, Susan tells Mike the whole menopause story and he reassures her that he loves her even if very soon, she's going to be a dried up old prune.  He kisses her sweetly to shut her up and she's like, we're doomed. 

Julie runs up to Dylan at the party and Dylan's like, who the hell are you?  To refresh her memory, Julie takes her to meet "the old gang."  How old could they be?

Mike then notices Carlos is bringing Edie home.  All the other housewives go over to see how she is and in true Edie form, she thinks the party is for her.  No one bothers to tell her she's wrong.  She also tells them she and Carlos have talked about marriage.  That sets Gabby off to confront Carlos and sarcastically congratulate him.  Carlos says he still wants to be with Gabby.  He just needs to be home by midnight to make sure Edie gets her pills.  Gabby stomps off.

Bree's complaining about Danielle to Orson when she walks into a bar-b-que fork.  She doesn't realize it because it went into the pregnancy pillow, but Ida Greenberg sees it and screams for Doc Mayfair.  "Bree got stabbed in the belly!"

The Doc comes running but Bree and Orson pretend it's a trick fork they were using as a joke.  Orson pokes her again and Bree fake screams, "Oh, Oh, My Baby!"

Muriel, tracks down Lynette like a bloodhound at the party.  Lynette didn't do something related to the gala and Muriel is pissed.  Lynette agrees to do whatever it is and when she can't pick up Penny because she's too tired, Mama Stella make her realize working on the gala is going to expend too much energy she needs for more important things.

Orson's talking to Bree about the magic fork in the belly.  He wants to go on a trip and "miscarry" the baby.  Bree says, no way.  She can't give the child to Danielle because she knows Danielle will be a lousy mother.  Besides, she wants a second chance to raise a kid right.  Good luck with that.

Lynette is walking home and tells Muriel to find someone else to chair the gala.  Muriel's all nasty about it until Lynette pops off her wig and says, "I have cancer."

Muriel blinks one, twice and then says, "I'll give Helen a call."  After Muriel leaves, the other wives see Lynette's bald head from across the street and are stunned.

In the next scene, Lynette is explains that she didn't want to be pitied.  She says, "Let's make a pact.  No more secrets.  From now on we tell each other every shocking detail of our lives." They all shake on it and they're all lying through their teeth.

Later on, Gabby has a talk with  Victor, telling him she wants to come first in his life and not be treated like a political asset.  She suggests taking some time to go away to rediscover their love.  He agrees, checks his calendar and comes up with two free weeks next April.  Wow.  Now, that's love.

Cut to Carlos telling Edie he's going to the Scavo's for a beer and she can't come because he needs some down time where she's not horning in.  Next thing we see, he's at Gabby's house and they fall to the floor to have hot, adulterous sex.  I guess Gabby decided waiting until April was too long.

Julie and Dylan are in the backyard looking at old pictures.  Dylan admits that she doesn't remember anything about living on Wisteria Lane.  She does remember a creepy dream though.  A guy's in her room and tries to grab her.  Julie wants to know if Dylan ever talked to a therapist about it.  Dylan says a babysitter once suggested it and her mother fired her.

Doc Mayfair comes to see Susan and apologize.  It seems she isn't menopausal, she's pregnant.  Mike come in, hears the news and is thrilled.  Mike says he's never been happier and now Susan believes him.  How sweet.  I wonder what disaster's going to befall them next.

Carlos is asleep on the couch when Edie comes down.  She tells him how much she trusts him and wishes he trusted her more.  For example, why didn't he tell me her about his offshore back account in the Cayman Islands with the ten million dollars in it?   She doesn't care about the money, mind you, she just wants to trust him not to hurt her.  Carlos man, you are busted!

Mary Alice tells us there are certain times of the morning, when women think of the secrets they've been keeping from their friends.  But what about the ones with no secrets, namely Susan.  Julie tells Susan that Dylan is not the same girl who used to live on Wisteria Lane.

Mary Alice continues:  "These women spend their mornings thinking of their neighbors and the secrets they may be keeping." 

New neighbor Katherine's in the attic of her house.  Adam comes in and asks if this was the room?  Katherine says yes.  Dylan wants to move in there but Katherine won't allow it.

Adam:  "Did we make a mistake coming back here."

Katherine:   "Did we have a choice?"

They walk out of the attic and look the door.

Welcome to season four on Wisteria Lane.