The Emmy Awards DVR Shortcut Blog
The only bearable way to watch the Emmys?
The DVR shortcut way. You set your DVR to record the beginning of the show then when the show is a half hour from its scheduled off time, say about 10:30, start watching from the beginning. That way you can watch the whole three hours in thirty minutes and spare yourself lots of viewing grief. My favorite skipping technique? Clicking one minute at a time. That's what I did last night and this is the resulting post.
First, quick hits from E's red carpet coverage:
America Ferrera's lovely blue number, upswept hair and elegant drop earrings: Fantastic.
Kate Walsh's too revealing, non-cleavage and "I just came off the beach hair:" Dreadful.
Glenn Close in a black halter dress and looking very un-Patty-like: Confident and Classy.
Helen Mirren in rich, dark purple: Too many shoulder straps.
Katherine Heigl's lily white dress: Too much on the shoulder straps.
Marcia Cross's straight hair and lime green, triple gum drop earrings: Too casual.
Jaime Pressly: Spouting some nonsense about a liquid cabbage diet. Claims doctors use it for patients going to surgery. Honey, when you get your medical degree you let me know. Until then, shut up and eat a taco.
The shoe cam was weird. How about a nose hair cam next year?
How many people do you need covering the red carpet anyway? Kimora Lee Simmons? Nigel Barker? Come on. Hire me. I can get dressed up and say, "Who are you wearing?" in three different languages.
On with the show.
It takes less than a minute to figure out I hate the "set in the round." It's like someone's going to come out any minute and do a cheap version of "Unplugged."
Ryan Seacrest makes me laugh a little and he's on just long enough.
Ray Romano's doing the real monologue...what was that Frasier joke? We go to a shot of the ceiling and no sound. What's that? Bad technical glitch.
Sex with Romano's wife ends the same way the "Sopranos" did. The lights go out and his wife says, "is that it?" Ray's best joke.
Click...click...
Best supporting in a comedy, no Neil Patrick Harris. Jeremy Piven wins. Don't have HBO. Don't care.
I only need to pause two minutes to see Terry O'Quinn win best supporting for "Lost." I love O'Quinn. I love Locke. But my reaction to his acceptance speech about rolling around in the blood and muck shooting in Hawaii, when he could be baking cookies on Wisteria Lane and getting some "Desperate Housewives" moolah? You're in Hawaii, O'Quinn. Suck it up.
Click..click...
Two minutes more to see Vanessa Williams ripped off in favor of Miss Liquid Cabbage Diet herself, Jaime Pressly for best supporting. Maybe next year Vanessa should go on the sesame seed soup diet.
Thomas Haden Church looks like he thought he was going to an "Entourage" party. No tie, no comb, no class.
Katherine Heigl in her sticky tape dress is best actress in a drama. Kat's Mom said she'd never win. But she really does love her, Kat insists as Mom looks on thinking, did she just say what I think she said? Embarrassing.
Conan O'Brien's up there which must mean it's one of those comedy, writing, variety awards for all those late night shows I don't think are funny and I never watch. And am I the only one who thinks Conan is turning into one of those cartoon caricatures of himself? The pencil thin pants, goofy shoes, tilted red hair and "Aw shucks, Dennis the Menace" freckles? I know that's his shtick and all but man, it's time for a new look.
There's Tony Bennett and he's singing with some blond. Is that Christina...oh, who cares, moving on...
Click..click...
There's Robert Duvall. It must be that western mini-series, "Bury My Heart At Broken Trail." Don't have HBO. Didn't watch it. First win for Duvall? That's not right. I got two words for you: "Lonesome Dove." Glad he won this time. Don't need to hear the speech.
Click...click...
Queen Latifah's talking. Oh, a salute to "Roots." How many years has it been...thirty? God, I'm getting old. There's some of the cast on stage, John Amos, LeVar Burton, Louis Gossett, Jr. and Ben Vereen. Ed Asner's the token white guy. Leslie Uggams and Cicely Tyson must have paintings getting saggy in their attics 'cause they both look amazing.
NBN, baby. No Botox Needed.
The "Roots" cast give the award for best mini-series and I have to laugh at the nominees. "The Starter Wife." Really. Robert Duvall gets up so it must be "Broken Heart At Wounded Knee." Don't need to hear the speech.
Click...click.
Leslie Caron is still alive. That's nice.
Click...click.
Writing: "Sopranos," Directing: "Sopranos."
If I want to stick to my half hour limit, I only have fourteen minutes, and I have two hours left to watch, I better book it.
Click...
There's more variety, comedy, musical, writing. There's Tony Bennett, Steve Carrell and a whole lot of Jon Stewart. I'm already dreading the Oscars.
Twelve minutes left.
Marcia Cross and a still very hot Mark Harmon. Judy Davis wins, she's not there. That saves time.
Loved the guy who did the rant about the promos in the shows. Don't know his name, but Hate. HATE. HATE those promos.
Here's the "Sopranos" tribute and the Broadway Jersey Boys are singing. Oh yeah, love the clips of people getting whacked to Four Seasons love songs. Don't think so.
Moving along..oh wait, there's the cast coming out on stage. Boy, do they look surly. James Gandofini, Edie Falco and the "kids" come up out of a trap door in the stage and they all do a group air kiss a la the "Dating Game." Not really, but wouldn't that have been great? Moving on.
Click...click...
Two minutes to see Helen Mirren wins for "Prime Suspect." Yeah. She asks for them to play her off. She even half insults all Americans, but who cares? What a woman! What an actress! I want to be her.
Click...
It's a "Prime Suspect" trifecta when I whiz by best mini directing and writing. Good on them.
Click, click...
Eight minutes and one hour left, I'm picking up speed.
Al Gore's up there. Poor Hollywood. They can't make him President so they keep giving him awards. Don't know what it's for. Don't care. No time. Click...click.
It's cute quips from Elaine Stritch and her straight man Stanley Tucci. Why not let them host next year? Maybe then I'll watch the whole thing.
Comedy writing, "The Office." Comedy directing, "Ugly Betty." Yeah for "Betty."
Seacrest is in a costume from "The Tudors." I guess that had to happen.
I've got five minutes left and half and hour.
Click...click.
Zip through the the shtick with Wayne Brady and Kanye West (why is he there?) and some guy from "The Office." Poor Wayne Brady. Why did he and his wife get divorced? His wife was so cute, they just had a baby. What happened, Wayne? I want to know. Did the dark underbelly of the television comedy world destroy what little...No time.
Click...Click...
More Carrell and Colbert, who knows the difference? More Jon Stewart. What is this, rehearsal for the Oscars?
Big awards now. Here we go.
The very hot and funny Hugh Laurie is presenting with Felicity Huffman. I'm so used to House, Hugh throws me when I hear his British accent. Sally Field wins best drama actress, minor upset. Are we in for another, "you like me, you really like me speech?"
Well almost. She starts off okay, then ends up with a "mother's are great, war is bad," theme and then...she can't remember what's after "war is bad!" It's great...she's fumbling for words and I'm waiting for her to just go back to her standard, "you like me, you really like me."
Oh wait, she's talking again, "if more mother's ran the world..." the audio drops out and we get that ceiling shot from before. You mean this is a censor tactic? I thought it was a tech mistake! Oh my God. "It's the Emmy version of a "Soprano" ending.
What's left?
Click...click...commercials...click...
Parade of dead celebrities. I knew of most of these. Feel bad...click...click....
I use up three full minutes to hear America Ferrera's speech for best comedy actress. How great is she? I'm so happy for her, I can't stand it. Was that "Zach" from Desperate Housewives" she kissed when she won? It looked like him, but I don't have time to check.
Click...click...
Best drama actor is...James Spader?? What, no Hugh Laurie? Or James Gandolfini? Or even Kiefer Sutherland? Come. On. Who's Spader sleeping with? Three wins from that lame "Boston Legal?" Give. Me. A. Break.
They've gone past eleven. I've got three minutes.
What's left? Drama and comedy. Click...
"30 Rock" wins comedy. Ugh. I hate tv shows about tv shows, as if the only thing people in tv can write about is people who work in tv. How about a tv show about farmers? Or miners? Or Walmart workers? No more tv shows about tv shows? "Betty" was robbed. Moving on...
Click...
It's the "Sopranos" for best drama. Even though I haven't watched more than five episodes since Nancy Marchand died, I can rest easy with that win.
Wait a minute. Did I miss a category? Drama, comedy, actress drama, actress comedy, actor drama, actor comedy...wait. Who was best actor comedy? I missed best actor comedy. The shortcut show blog post is incomplete. Now, I have to go back and find that winner.
Click...click...
On second thought. No, I don't.
